Vetting (and Exterminating) the Dragons

As I was driving home from therapy today, the DJ on my SiriusXM radio rephrased a quote she heard recently and the gist of it was: “when you fear something you should run towards it because there will be something even brighter on the other side.” And per the usual, this got me thinking…

What happens when you let those damaged, fragmented parts of yourself drop a veil over your vision?

I suppose it’s a slightly different perspective for each person, but for me, the veil acts like a shield.

Negative feedback comes in, positive feedback is kept out. Not just casually, but vigorously. Somehow my drawbridge was re-wired. I let it up for the fire breathing dragon or maniacal sorcerer, but send it down in front of Prince Charming and the kindly soothsayer from across the fiefdom.

And sadly, there comes a point in time when you let in one two many Trojan Horses and the internal cavity of your being becomes overrun by imposters.

And you can’t tell right from wrong. Or rather, you know what should be right and what should be wrong, but your knights of the roundtable aren’t convinced. They’ve been hoodwinked, but then again, they’ve let in the very influences and messages they should have kept out.

I’ll end the medieval metaphor here, but suffice it to say, I’m being bombarded by negativity right now, and I’m having a hard time letting in the positive (or believing the positive).

Here are the examples of negativity I’m dealing with:

– a personal injury lawsuit in which real human issues are arbitrary assigned a case file, some paperwork, some medical charts, a jury and a court date, and somehow come out the other side as a numerical value (a dollar value, specifically)

– a job where I analyze data and create reports on consumer trends but those trends are seen industry wide and reported to huge companies with bureaucratic decision makers who may, or may not, ever see my pin point-sized blip of informative feedback in the mass sea of research

– a bunch of graduate school rejection letters where I’m told that I can’t pass Go and collect $200 by way of that University’s car, but more importantly, that I can’t ask why because the sheer volume of people like me makes it nearly impossible to provide any feedback

And so the message I keep hearing: you’re not important. You’re just another case file, another researcher, another school candidate.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know that I am one of an enormous race of human beings, and I’m not trying to revolt against the “world order”, as it were. It’s just that, well, when I keep getting this message of being treated like one of millions, in particular when my life (and future years) are being assigned a numerical value, I feel like crap inside.

And as I said above, somewhere deep inside of me, I’m not convinced I truly am important. (This goes down to some of the things I talked about in my earlier post on self love, but also back to self-image issues I’ve had since I was a child.) I know that I should be important – I know that I’m strong as a person, as a female, and as a (fill in the blank) – but I don’t quite believe it. So recent events only serve to further my feelings of self smallness.

Furthermore, because I’m used to the idea that I’m unimportant, I let in continued evidence that supports that claim because I’m somehow willing to…it feels, more familiar, almost safe.

Because what if, I was suddenly important?

Well, then…

-I’d have to defend myself against these sources that say things to the contrary; and I don’t like conflict

-I’d have to readjust my self-image; and accept things that bother me (because remember, I want to be perfect)

-I’d have to actively, cognitively train myself to squelch the unimportant murmurs and heighten awareness of the important feedback; and that’s also hard

-I’d have to admit that being important means I might have to change in some (or many) ways – I might have to let go of the past, stop feeding my fears, and maybe don new behaviors

-I have to allow myself to feel what important feels like; self-love

But being important is, well, important.

And I don’t want to stay in this rut of ick.

So while I’m currently feeling overwhelmed and barraged by all the demons I’ve let into my courtyard, I’m going to start taking baby steps to reign in the evil. I can’t rid the world of it, but I don’t have to give it so much space in my life. And secondly, I’m going to start looking for the positivity, and allowing Prince Charming in – even to the messiest, darkest parts of the castle, because I can’t beat back the dragons on my own.

Happy for Happiness Sake

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about happiness lately and just wanted to share a few brief ideas.

I’ve come to realize that my perspective is largely my own doing rather than something I entrust to others/ the external world, to provide (see an earlier post on Taking Back Happiness).

I also watched this recent clip from the Ellen Show where Ellen interviews Colin Farrell. While they talk about a bunch of things (yoga, his girlfriend search, etc.) they also discuss how he has been sober for 7 years and he talks about how he feared sobriety because he “was terrified that whatever my capacity as an actor was beforehand would disappear.” He then went on to say that he used to subscribe to the idea that “to express yourself artistically you have to live in perpetual pain – that’s nonsense…there’s enough pain in the world that you don’t have to live it to represent it in an artistic way.” This commentary really struck me, because I think I too, have thought that nurturing a wound would help me be more creative/expressive/ a better writer, etc., but that it would also somehow help me better empathize with others. Plus, nurturing wounds certainly provides ample fuel to the internal victimology fire, and well, there can be power in being a victim. It’s actually a bit liberating to realize that you don’t have to continually hold yourself to a negative state of being in order to find inspiration, relate to others, and just be. I can be free to be happy in my day to day AND still acknowledge and empathize with the struggle, pain and hardship that exists.

Then a friend recently sent me a post to this article on 15 Things To Give Up to Be Happy, and wow it struck a chord with many of the topics I’ve been considering, as well as many of the items I’ve discussed herein. Not surprisingly, almost every item on that list is something I need to work on, particularly: giving up control, self-defeating self talk, limiting beliefs, fears, the past, attachments and other’s expectations. Letting go in and of itself is scary, there’s no road map and of course there’s fear that things could go awry. It’s hard to tame the inner mind and psyche that want so badly to maintain the status quo – however potentially harmful that status quo might be.

I remember as a kid being told that without struggle/pain, one could not appreciate the joy in life. If all we knew was happiness, then we’d take it for granted.

I will say that going through a tough time does help one appreciate the lighter moments, BUT similarly to what Colin Farrell mentioned, I do not think that therefore means that one must experience significant struggle in life in order to “be grateful” for the happier times. I’m not suggesting a hedonistic lifestyle, I’m simply offering that I think it’s possible to be happy, live an enjoyable life AND appreciate and revel in the great moments and memories. I don’t think I have to “put in my time” in the doldrums in order to know joy.

That’s all for now, but I’m sure I’ll be revisiting this topic going forward. (Not to mention all the empirical research on happiness that I’ve been perusing. In fact, here’s a quick TED talk by professor Dan Gilbert, on the topic.)

It’s great to know that I’ll find happiness no matter what, and even better to know that I don’t have to nurture sorrow in order to appreciate elation.

Thanks for reading, S

The Need for Self-Love

I wasn’t sure how to write about this, or whether to write about it, but I think it’s better for me to be as authentic as I can. So, here goes…

I can be neurotic, and jealous.

Neuroticism, widely known as one of the factors comprising the Five Factor Model (FFM, or Big Five) of personality, is also referred to as emotional stability. This scholarly article by McCrae and John (don’t worry, the article is in the public domain; you can read it 🙂 ) presents a nice, broad overview of the FFM, but in short, Neuroticism as the article describes:

“represents individual differences in the tendency to experience distress, and in the cognitive and behavioral styles that follow from this tendency. High N scorers experience chronic negative affects…recurrent nervous tension, depression, frustration, guilt, and self-consciousness that such individuals feel is often associated with irrational thinking, low self esteem, poor control of impulses and cravings, somatic complaints and ineffective coping. Individuals low in N are not necessarily high in positive mental health…they are simply calm, relaxed, even-tempered, unflappable.” (McCrae & John, 1991)

Now given recent life events (re: escalating stress and future uncertainty), it’s not surprising that lately I’ve found myself gravitating more towards the, shall we say, less socially desirable, N- related traits. I’ve been moody, depressed, frustrated, self-conscious and irrational.

Of course, sometimes these feelings are a vicious cycle. You start feeling moody, and then when a tiny path of light appears and you feel a moment of rational clarity thus realizing that you are in fact moody and perpetuating that state, you feel this odd mix of realization and further frustration because you should be able to cognitively acknowledge your moodiness and then deliberately set out to change it for the better. Sometimes it’s as though the mind fights itself in search of clarity.

My recent state of heightened N-relatedness has made me challenging (and that may even be an understatement) to deal with. Seemingly small things can trigger avalanches of emotion, and it’s as though I’m my very own version of Jekyl at the drop of a hat.

Now granted, I have always been a very sensitive, emotionally attuned person. While generally pleasant and content, I was well at home on an overcast day swimming in self-reflection and deep thinking, and to this day I just can’t handle injustice, extreme pain, violence, exploitation or discomfort in others. Thus explaining why I no longer watch or read the daily news (never mind how pessimistic it can seem, but I actually feel ill seeing children being abused, or watching POW footage, or seeing violent uprisings), and why I haven’t read the latter books in the Harry Potter series. As a little kid, I didn’t like to go fishing because I felt so awful putting the worms on the hooks (I actually ended up “saving” many a worm and keeping them as pets).

And in this last year or so, I’ve just felt a bit more emotionally volatile than usual.

The thing is, I can definitely attribute some of my more recently pronounced N-ness to current events (re: graduate school application process, impending lawsuit, professional self-searching, physical health variances).

But some of it is rooted in some very personal, internal issues that I really need to face head on.

Of course, the best way (though possibly not the best way) to really “see” yourself, is through romantic relationships. I could go off on a mini tangent here about how we’re often attracted to individuals who have weathered similar emotional storms and early life experiences to us, and even those who remind us of our families, but the point is that, a romantic partnership requires vast amounts of deeply personal disclosure and a look into the most coveted parts of oneself that even me, myself and I don’t want to confront on a regular, or semi-regular basis.

Romantic relationships have this way of taking the mirror and turning it towards the inner-self.

So what Dan has shown me in the Sarah mirror of late, is how damaged my identity is right now.

Physically, I move from normal to abnormal in a matter of moments. Prior to my accident, I had experienced medical maladies (re: broken finger, tonsillitis, born prematurely), but never had anything been detrimentally permanent. It can be completely frustrating to have difficulty climbing a flight of stairs, or sitting in a chair at the movies or a restaurant. The irony to this, is that were you to see me on the street, you would not guess I deal with the chronic effects of a back injury. I walk, I talk, I move, and I do not use a cane or shuffle. But inside I am feeling fatigued, stiff, and frustrated – and sometimes it’s nice that you can’t sense that because I can go about my day to day blending into the background – just picking up groceries at the store, or just buying a book at Half Price Books. But sometimes it’s more difficult that you can’t see how I feel because I just seem like a typical twenty-something, and “why is she gripping the handrail like that? why can’t she walk through that art exhibit?” And while I want you to understand why I’m not the typical twenty-something, I don’t want to explain the intricacies of my experience. I want a little privacy, but for it, I often suffer in solitude.

Intellectually, I’m not sure what to invest in. I used to pour myself into my professional ambitions. 135% went into my work and my goals. But recently I wasn’t admitted to the graduate schools I applied to, and while my current job is pretty good, it doesn’t fulfill me beyond the present. And frankly, I’m not the person I was a few years ago – I don’t want to commit 135% to my working self. I want to spend some of that energy on nurturing my relationships, traveling and experiencing new things, bettering my health, and well, sometimes I want to relax and not feel guilty about it. But without this hard-driving professional ambition, I am feeling a bit emotionally wayward.
Surprisingly, I actually feel a little bit lighter, freer, without the chains of a PhD program confining me to a particular path, but now the uncertainty of which path to take is, well, a bit exciting and lots of overwhelming.

Emotionally, I’m on uneven ground. I have grown up with some issues surrounding self-worth and self-esteem – there are definitely times when I feel unworthy of the relationships I have and the life I truly want. I don’t think I’m scum, I just feel insecure about my internal self and what I can really offer to this world. I know I have potential, but I’m struggling with the me I used to be, and the me I am today, and relatedly – with the me of tomorrow. I have high personal expectations and wonder if I’ll ever be able to be kind enough to myself to allow myself to be human (re: make mistakes, fall short of expectations) while simultaneously pushing myself to launch forward in a big way.

So lately, in all three areas: physical, intellectual and emotional – I am feeling largely inadequate. I’m not confident in what I have to offer, and I’m not confident in what I can deliver. This leads me to a wave of irrationality, worry, discontent, and internal disharmony – and sometimes jealousy.

As you know from prior entries, Dan and I are ballroom dancers. I’ve really enjoyed ballroom dancing, mainly because I enjoy dancing in general and I naturally move to music in all settings (re: grocery store, at my desk, in the car, etc.).

But ballroom dancing has forced me to constantly confront what I’m most struggling with. Class after class, practice after practice, I am forced to accept that my physical limitations are a part of me. Maybe a few years ago, I used to be able to stand straighter, bend backwards, or wear heels for longer than an hour or so, but I just can’t anymore. And of course, we dance with folks of all ages with all manner of health issues (I really applaud the older folks, 60+, who are getting out there and enjoying themselves), but again, on the outside I look like just another twenty-something, and the teachers implore me to move as I look I can on the surface. So naturally, you can see where I’d spend a moment or two sitting and watching the women in my age cohort (and even those up to their 40s) twirling and arching and doing all sorts of things I’ll just never be able to do. It’s at once simultaneously maddening, frustrating and saddening.

Similarly, class after class, practice after practice, Dan and I both dance with other partners. Generally this doesn’t bother me – we’ve come to know most of the dancers we see on a regular basis and many social dancing venues are like going to a dinner party with friends. But every now and then my neurotic side can flare up. I’ll watch Dan dance with another partner and she’s just so physically adept that all of my physical inadequacies are triggered and watching them is tough. On the one hand, I’m grateful for these other dancers because they allow Dan to experience dancing in a way that I’ll never be able to provide and it’s great seeing him happy and enjoying himself, but on the other hand it’s torture seeing someone else effortlessly execute moves I know I’ll never be able to enjoy with Dan.

That second part sometimes goes on to leap frog across my synapses and occasionally activate my other insecurities and I start thinking along the lines of “maybe Dan would be better with someone like that lady because she probably doesn’t have a chronic physical issue, she has a life plan/goal, she’s got a sense of her career path, she knows her self-worth and is more secure, etc. etc.” This can occasionally turn into twinges of jealousy when my brain then starts morphing these other women into pristine examples of the ideal woman that I’ll never be able to emulate. And then, because prior boyfriends have cheated on me in the past, I start to worry that Dan will leave me for one of these women. And well…as you can see, it’s only a short step further and I descend down, down, down into the dark and wily black hole of neuroticism and jealousy.

Not a pretty picture, I know.

Sometimes I’ve gotten upset and explained my feelings to Dan and my closest friends. To their credit, they all patiently reassure me, and for that I am most grateful. But as I’m starting to realize, my experiences with Dan continue to provide that mirror which stands as an ever present reminder that I have to look within for the answers.

In the wake of those crazed moments, when I’m finally able to resurface out of the doldrums of anxiety and self-consciousness, I realize that every time I let my insecurities get the better of me, I’m operating on irrational assumptions from past hurts that I have yet to reconcile. And the longer I live with these assumptions and unresolved past hurts, the longer I am stealing valuable time from the present and limiting the love I can provide both to the current me, and others. As has been said many a time before, to love others you must love yourself.

For me, self-loathing is so much easier than self-loving. I have long perfected my inner narrative of self-criticism and exploited the channels of inadequacy and fear. It’s going to take me a lot of courage to break these patterns and attempt to accept and love myself for who I am today. Thankfully I am not completely alone in this journey, Dan, my close friends and my therapist will be there, but only I can consciously make the changes and choose to stop the tape recorder of doubt. There is hope.

Thanks for reading, S

My Story

My story.

To add to the life transition/ moments of clarity, of late, I was talking with my photography teacher (Mr. K) after class last night.

—

For a little background, since January I’ve been taking a Digital Photography class through the local community college. We meet for 4 hours on Tuesday nights. I’m an avid photographer documenting nearly everything from what I eat, to life events, to a particularly interesting road sign or flower bed. And I’d been wanting to upgrade my point and shoot Samsung to a more formalized DSLR (as my old SLR used 35mm film). So I made the switch and signed up for the class for a refresher, and to get the most out of my new camera.

The class has been excellent – we spent time reviewing the mechanics of photography (focus, aperture, lighting, exposure, etc.), and learning how to manipulate and use the functions on our DSLRs. The best part of the class (I think), has been our photo journals – each week we have a homework assignment (portraits, still life, etc.) that helps us apply what we’re learning. We take specific photos, print them, and record the settings used to create the photo as well as any notes on time of day, weather, location, or any random thoughts. I’ve really enjoyed looking back through my journal and seeing how my skills have progressed, as well as remembering each photo – where I took it, why I took it, how I composed it, etc.

—

Yesterday, it was class as usual. We’d gone to City Hall (which is a great location for portraits in the late afternoon, by the way) for a class trip, and once the sun went down, Mr. K spoke a bit about lighting for outdoor portraits and then we all packed up and got ready to head home around 9pm.

I stayed behind to ask a couple of questions about group portraits (here’s what I learned in a nutshell: use a smaller aperture for greater depth of field to try and get more folks in view, and try to position the subjects on the same plane as well as create warmth/connection between them by having them lean in/sit or stand close, etc.). And Mr. K gave me some tips, and then offered to drive me to my car (since I parked a couple blocks away; parking in Downtown Austin can be a pain).

While he was driving me back to my car, he remembered a series (collection of photos) I’d discussed with him. My series was going to be focused on chairs (why chairs? well, with a back injury, I have a love/hate relationship with chairs of all kinds; I’ve never felt such emotion toward a physical object before).

I explained that I hadn’t done much with it lately. I tried, but the chairs I’d been using were cumbersome and difficult to lug around to photograph. I’d taken some photos of “found chairs” (i.e., NYC subway seats, benches in parks), but it wasn’t quite the same idea I’d been going for. And plus, with my recent level of stress and schedule craziness, I’d honestly been doing all I could just to complete the homework assignments – chairs had mostly faded from the forefront of my mind.

Mr. K encouraged me not to give up on the chair idea, to keep trying. He actually suggested I search for an older chair, one made of of lightweight material (e.g., wicker, or hollow wood, etc.), and one that “spoke to me” in some way.

But then he asked me the most meaningful question:

“Sarah, what’s your story?”

He explained that he was working on a series of wet plate (yes, photography circa the 1800s – Google it, it’s really neat) photos that were telling a story of two men who made decisions to become either good or evil through physical items (for instance, pitchforks). But then he said that in general, there’s always an undercurrent to one’s photography (of any kind, wet plate, digital, etc.). He said one photographer might choose to make a comment on society with his/her photos – they feel that the world is consumed with materialism, for instance, and so they focus their photography on showing society engorged with money and things. And so again he said:

“What’s your story?”

As you might have guessed, this rang true on many levels (see an earlier related post on Personal Mission Statement). With the recent news from grad schools, sitting in pre-trial limbo from the lawsuit, and realizing that the me of today is not the me of just a few years ago, “my story” is on the forefront of my mind these days.

What do I want to share with the world? What do I find most important? What moves me?

I thought I had those questions all figured out; crossed the t’s and dotted the i’s.

Now, not so much. Or maybe, I did have it all figured out, but only relative to what I knew at the time. Now I have more information, and as I said, I’m not the same me. Well, I’m still Sarah, but I’m a different Sarah. the quest for self-identity and self-expression has been reframed, redirected.

So I’ll be thinking about my story for awhile. But I’ll figure it out again.

What’s your story? And how did you determine it?

Thanks for reading, S

Stuck

U2 has a great song (well, one of many) called Stuck in a Moment.

You’ve got to get yourself together,

You’ve got stuck in a moment, and you can’t get out of it.

Don’t say that later will be better, now you’re stuck in a moment, and you can’t get out of it.

Those lyrics have rung true a few times before…teen angst, break ups, family issues…

And well, now again.

For those of you keeping track, I received replies from all of the graduate schools I applied to for Fall 2012.

I was rejected from all seven programs.

I could heed U2 – really try to un-stick myself- but wow, this is a bit of a larger rut than normal.

For years, since the beginning of undergrad in ’04 actually, I’ve been steadily planning to pursue a PhD in Organizational Psych/Organizational Behavior. I methodically mapped out the courses to take, read the readings, completed the thesis, fulfilled internship requirements, attended a Masters program, read the latest literature, joined the APA, worked hard on an independent proposal and study, found a job in a research related field, honed my skills…

But the universe has decided otherwise.

Now to be fair, I struggled with the GRE (took it a few times), and I knew that at this stage, my scores alone could be enough to thwart my admission chances. But I hoped for a a holistic review, and I hoped that my GPA, experience and thirst for knowledge and furthering the field, would carry me through.

Close – I made it to the 3rd round at one school – but no cigar.

Also, a few months ago I began wondering whether this path I had so meticulously adhered to and set into action, was still the best fit for me. These thoughts came about due to my physicality (the post-effects of my accident in 2009, which I still can’t fully disclose but the lawsuit is nearing closure, so I’ll write more soon), my life goals, and my relationship with Dan. I know that I will forever need a very flexible professional situation from now on – I can’t sit for long periods of time, nor stand; I don’t want to be married to my work but I want something intellectually stimulating and self-fulfilling that helps others; and I want a strong, stable partnership with someone I love (plus, great friendships and colleagues). And I wasn’t sure a PhD in Org Psych/OB would fit those criteria anymore.

But, what do I do when the stoplight flashes red without a green arrow to follow? Or even a yellow?

I have no side project I’ve been nurturing, no Plan B.

What now?

On the one hand, I’ve been given the ultimate golden ticket – the pass to pursue whatever I want, because I “completed” the entirety of my prior task/journey, and that chapter can be closed with me knowing I did everything I could. Now I can go uninhibited and without regret into the future, the bright, big, shining future.

Here’s the thing – what future?

When you’ve been holding onto something for so long, building into your life, your identity, it’s very hard to let it go. Even if doing so feels a bit freeing. Even if doing so feels a little more right.

Where to now?

I don’t know…I’ll have to figure things out. Or as Dan said, “we’ll figure it out.” I should allow him to help me with this – I have to be willing to break free of my past and embrace something different.

Sigh…change is a challenge, especially when my first instinct is to revolt at all costs, kicking and screaming. “No, no, no!”

But, what can I do. To spend lots of energy on self-pity, stubborn attachment to what no longer exists, and pining for things that will not be, while gratifying to the sorrowful ego, is hardly food for self-improvement.

But how do you pick up the pieces of a dream that has died?

Do you cradle them and try to piece them together with glue?

Or do you pick them up at all? Do you leave them by the wayside? Do you give them a funeral?

Or do you wave goodbye and move forward hoping to find a new dream further on?

Life seems to provide more questions than answers. On I go.

Thanks for reading, S

Partner Dancing – Year One

For a slight diversion from the mostly life-path oriented self-reflective streams of late, I’d like to write a bit more about partner dancing.

It’s been just about a year since Dan and I started partner dancing.

Our very first exposure to the experience came about as a means of an interesting date idea.

Dan discovered my intrinsic, long-time love of dance (seriously, I have been dancing in some form since age 3, it’s true – I started dance lessons at age 3 and when he and I met I was taking tap classes). Thus, he thought it might be a fun activity to try together. So we started where many a couple might – YouTube. We came across an instructional video for the Box Step in Waltz and attempted to follow the pattern around my living room floor. It was a valiant effort, but we both decided that maybe attending a class in person might be a better fit.

So one Friday night we went to a nearby studio for Newcomer night and took two short 40 min lessons – looking back, I think one of the lessons was a type of East Coast Swing and the other maybe Foxtrot? – and then we found a community focused on Lindy Hop, and migrated to an inexpensive local group of experienced social dancers who offered lessons, and then bought an unlimited pass for a studio, Dan decided to try competing with a dance partner, we attended Swing City Chicago, and well…

Over the last year we’ve taken lessons and danced: American Waltz, Viennese Waltz, American Tango, Jitterbug, Jive, West Coast Swing, Country Two Step, Nightclub Two Step, Country Waltz, Hustle, Blues, Lindy Hop, Salsa, Merengue, Bachata, ChaCha, Rumba…and there might be others I’m forgetting. Needless to say we’re both hooked.

Lately, we’ve been focusing mainly on West Coast Swing, Country Two Step, Nightclub and Waltz, American Waltz and Blues.

West Coast Swing – this is definitely a favorite of mine, but perhaps one of the more technically challenging. Connection in West Coast is a challenge for me (well, it’s a challenge across all partner dances, but especially in WC), but I think I’ve improved in some aspects compared to a year ago. Styling is especially fun in this dance because the follower has lots of options for incorporating footwork or gestures. I love the contemporary R&B, Hip Hop and Pop music you can dance to (also some Country, Rock and Blues, too), and how Dan can invent new patterns on the fly by combining the elements of different patterns or steps. I can spend hours and hours watching videos of accomplished West Coast dancers. Currently my favorite professional duo is Tatiana Mollman and Jordan Frisbee. Check them out here at a 2009 competition.

Country Two Step, Nightclub and Waltz- country dancing is lots of fun; the music is especially unique (I hear a few snickers and a few “yee-haws!” out there), but I’m not just talking about Americana – moreso the timing and musical accents. I’ve found Two Step to be fairly easy to pick up, though a challenge to execute correctly – the follower can spin almost endlessly in Two Step which has definitely caused me to step up (no pun intended) my turning abilities. Nightclub is very graceful and romantic, though the timing is perhaps the most tricky. Waltz is fun and depending on the style (we’ve found there is one commonly used that progresses and another that is more traditional like American Waltz), can be a good dance to mix in when you’re tiring of Two Step. We’ve also dabbled in Triple Two Step, but I’ve never taken a formalized class in it nor danced it extensively, so I can’t quite add that to our country repertoire.

American Waltz – as an almost incurable romantic, I love the Ballroom Waltzes (American, International, Viennese, etc.). Although I listen to quite a bit of Classical music, waltzes one can dance to tend to be a bit more akin to contemporary adaptations of Blue Danube or Hollywood Glam era show tunes, than a composition from the greats. But nevertheless, waltzes are beautiful and picturesque to watch when done by an accomplished dancer. Waltzes are also very technically challenging with particular foot placement and postural requirements. The beauty is not without great care and effort.

Blues- as one who listens to a wide range of Jazz and Blues music already, I’m familiar with the rhythmic components and pairing that to dancing has been fun. Blues dancing is often referred to as “slow dancing” but it’s much more than the side to side sway a-la- high school prom. Connection is paramount to blues, as it is largely improvisational, and in my experience, blues really tests the communication between dance partners. From what I’m told, Blues and West Coast Swing both belong to the smooth/swing category of partner dances (which also includes Lindy Hop and East Coast Swing variants like Jitterbug and Jive), but Blues is just…well bluesy, and unlike any other dance I’ve done. Here’s an example of a duo local to Austin actually: Campbell and Chris, who are incredible to watch.

Beyond learning the dances though, what partner dancing has done (maybe not surprisingly) is:

– forced me to confront my flaws and faults (both physically and mentally/emotionally) – and this is something I’m still working on

– opened up entire communities of people (new friends!) with a shared interest in dancing

– taught me how to dance (and in place of “dance” you could insert “work with” “co-exist”, etc.) with others – as a long-time individual dancer, partnership dancing has brought an entirely new vocabulary and awareness of how my body moves and interacts with that of others

– caused Dan and I to constantly re-evaluate our relationship and our lives, because if there’s something going on with either of us individually or between us, it will find its way on the dance floor

It’s been an incredible journey and I’m looking forward to year two.

Thanks for reading, S

I found this post especially insightful today. Thanks David (and Paul Graham) for reminding us about life’s quest for work that we love, and having the guts to look within and take the steps to find it.

Live & Learn

We’ve all either given or received the career advice: “Follow your dreams.”  “Do what you love.”  “Love what you do.”

Recently, there have been an increasing number of counterarguments making the case that if we were all going to “do what we love,” we’d starve doing it.

I came across a 2006 post by Paul Graham: “How To Do What You Love” that offers what may be the best thought-leadership on the subject that I have read.

Graham is an essayist, programmer, and investor. In 1995, he co-developed the first web-based application, Viaweb, which was acquired by Yahoo in 1998. He has an AB from Cornell and a PhD in Computer Science from Harvard, and studied painting at RISD and the Accademia di Belle Arti in Florence.  Graham’s blog is one of the most followed in the blogosphere.

It is an essay (longish for those of us with…

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Patience & Persistence

If two words in the English language could get married, I bet it’d be patience and persistence.

Both complement and almost require one another in order to exist.

Patience had some interesting definitions around the web. Let me share a few:

the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset (google.com)

good-natured tolerance of delay or incompetence; solitaire: a game played by one person (wordnetweb.princeton.edu)

the art of delayed gratification; an essential ingredient in parenthood and adoption. (godsfamilies.org)

Here’s Persistence:

firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition; the continued or prolonged existence of something (google.com)

(persist) prevail: continue to exist; (persist) persevere: be persistent, refuse to stop; (persist) stay behind (wordnetweb.princeton.edu)

(persist) (-ed) – not giving up, especially when facing difficulty (pinkpowergirlsrock.com)

(persistent) Deciduous leaf blades that remain on the tree for more than a year (treespade.info/)

Persistence is continuance despite difficulty and patience is tolerating difficulty.

I suppose one could exercise one of these traits without the other, for instance I can envision someone training for a marathon but having a hard time accepting that they’re not instantly able to run 26 miles after a few weeks (persistence without patience), but in general I think persistence and patience go hand in hand.

Lately I’ve felt not-so-willingly forced into the hands of both persistence and patience.

I’m awaiting the arrival of decision letters from graduate programs, which I have been readying myself to attend (in some shape or form) for the last 7 years or so.

I’m awaiting the closure of a personal injury lawsuit that started 2.5 years ago.

I’m awaiting the future for Dan and I, which may be influenced by graduate school and/or the lawsuit to some extent, but mainly our own experiences/ decisions, etc. Our relationship is something we are continually living and working on.

It’s pretty difficult to foster patience and persistence.

There are definitely days when I just want to know what the future holds – I want to know if I’m making the best decisions possible to achieve the end closest to ideal, and for goodness sake, I’m just weary of waiting. I want tomorrow to hurry up already. I want to live my life, not feel stuck in a perpetual limbo of potentiality.

Then there are days when I’m content in the present – I can appreciate sitting on the precipice of impending change and look around, survey the landscape, if you will, with staying still as the only action I have to commit to right now.

But for someone who believes in self-empowerment, individual choice, and simple independence, staying still is a challenge. It’s a test of persistence because I am committed to various paths which I must continue on, and it’s a test of patience because I want so badly to dance, skip or run down the paths but I’m being forced to walk, and walk slowly- at a pace undefined by me.

When I’m feeling the waves of frustration at the lack of control, stirred by the winds of anxiety seeping into my thoughts, I freak out (e.g., cry, furiously scribble thoughts on the nearest sheet of paper, lose sleep, eating copious amounts of chocolate, etc.) and I try to find solace. I try. Lately The Eagles’ Learn to be Still provides a soothing reminder of what I must do for now. Not forever, I remind myself, just for now.

And I try to accept the fact that life itself is not a sprint, but a marathon. So in some ways, it’s good that I am being required to exercise patience and persistence because these skills will surely help me far into the future in ways I am not even aware of at the moment.

But it is challenging – of body, mind and spirit – to be still. To continue. To wait. To continue. To wait.

For those of us needing a little zen while we progress in a waiting position, here is a link to I Am Waiting by poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti.

Thanks for reading, S

Your Gut

Dan and I have had lots of conversations about communication and decision-making recently.

We’re at a stage in our relationship where we’re past the initial “oh my god you’re amazing” phase, but not quite at the “you’re my life partner” phase, and this journey traversing our current in-between state (if you will) involves lots of learning, communication, and decision-making.

And as we all know, any kind of long term close interpersonal interaction (not just between romantic partners but also close friends, family, etc.) brings with it a host of relational quandries throughout its development and progression.

There are many academic fields devoted to decoding our decision-making. The behavioral economists, marketers, psychologists, etc., have all contributed to the body of knowledge on how exactly we humans make choices and thereby execute behaviors.

But when you’re faced with a (seemingly, because sometimes perspective or hindsight will demonstrate otherwise) life-changing decision, it’s unlikely that you call up your local economist at a nearby University and ask him/her what you should do.

You could: seek research, history books, experts, academic studies, or other points of factual insight to try and gain an idea of what to do, or you could talk at length with friends, family, or colleagues, think about your past behavior or the behavior of others you know who have faced a similar situation, you could flip a coin, make a list of pros and cons, and the techniques go on…

The interesting thing though, is that if you were to ask folks how they often make the major decisions in their life (i.e., what profession to pursue, whether to marry someone, whether to have children, whether to opt for a major surgery, etc.), they will frequently tell you they just “went with their gut” or they “just knew.”

For those out there who don’t believe in intuition or the like, I’m not necessarily talking about some sort of prophecy or spiritual connectedness to the future, although those things could certainly influence one’s gut in some cases. What I’m really referring to is how when you’re faced with a decision, and for reasons you can’t quite explain, making one choice compared to another choice, just feels right.

Dan offered this academic article on the topic (PDF file): The Emotional Oracle Effect

And here is an article from the Financial Times published in 2010: Calculators Away

The Emotional Oracle paper provides evidence suggesting that individuals with higher trust in their feelings, tend to make better predictions about future outcomes. What I found especially interesting about this study is that it offers the idea that one’s gut essentially conducts a “meta summary” of all of the inputs one has (conscious, subconscious, emotional, factual, etc.) and thereby includes factors that may influence the ability to make a predictive decision that we may not be able to put a finger on in our conscious state.

The Financial Times (FT) article discusses how happiness can often be found in the situations we choose for ourselves (i.e., if my choice was to become an environmental lawyer vs. a corporate lawyer, I will in some sense, find sources of happiness in being an environmental lawyer and conclude that my choice was a “good” one), and how economic theory doesn’t always factor in the emotional components of a decision, merely the direct behaviors to lead one to a particular outcome. And how most people will resort to their “gut” at the end of the day.

I brought in these outside sources because so often I have been hesitant to fully trust my inner-most feelings when making major decisions. The decisions just seem too huge, and the results of a “bad” choice too costly, to completely rely on my gut. So I consult with all of those in my inner-circle, I deliberate for days/weeks/months (depending on how much time I have), I read articles, search the Web, consult with any needed experts/specialists, ask mentors and colleagues what they suggest, etc.

And (as the FT article suggests), at the end of the day, all that information gathering usually ends up reinforcing the initial gut feeling I started out with all along. Sometimes the data might have attenuated it or offered variations within the same theme, but generally speaking, I tend to end up with the same internal feeling.

So does this then mean that going forward I will make all my major decisions by simply listening to my gut first and dispensing with all the careful consideration, conversation and fact-finding? Not exactly. But I do think that over time, there’s the possibility that after having made decisions with my gut’s initial reaction as the benchmark, that I may become more confident in listening to my inner self sans as much external input.

After all, the sources, the research, and the people I consult are all useful, but at the end of the day, my life is my own.

Sometimes Nike’s slogan rings true: just do it.

Effort

My apologies for not writing in quite some time.

I’m still not in a position to talk at length about what went on last week – the U.S. legal system is a challenge, at best. But soon things will hopefully reach a conclusion, and then I can go into further detail.

For now though, I want to write about effort.

—

Sometimes life takes lots of effort.

Effort: exertion of mental or physical power; an earnest of strenuous attempt; something done by exertion of hard work (dictionary.reference.com)

As a kid, you could be recognized for effort – that highly sought after gold foil star right next to your A- on that math test with all the partial credit gained for showing many a “good attempt.” But as adults, we need to exert energy and effort towards things without the incentive of a gold star or the encouraging comments of teachers. Sometimes we need to push through even when that extra ounce of push is the last thing we want to do.

I’ve been told that the final stretch is the most difficult – that last quarter mile in your marathon, the remaining details a week before your wedding, the last half a dozen PowerPoint slides for your end of the year presentation to your boss, the final draft of your novel.

It’s probably because throughout the journey of getting from the beginning to the end there is:

– a lack of closure/finality

– lots of work to do

– a need for perpetual motion; a lack of rest

And sometimes, we’re not even sure what the end result will look like. Will our efforts/work/energy spent be worthwhile once all is said and done? Rarely is there a concrete answer.

Plus, it’s not as though task completion is straightforward.

I mean, my to-do list says all the discrete steps it takes to plan a St. Patrick’s Day dinner (pick out a recipe, buy the ingredients, decide on a cooking/prep timeline, cook the food, serve/eat the food, pack leftovers into the freezer), but those steps don’t account for the myriad of external factors that could impact the entire process from conception to execution. For instance, last year when I cooked a corned beef in my crockpot for St. Patrick’s Day, I hadn’t stopped to consider how difficult it would be to find corned beef seasoning in Texas, where there is a limited Irish population (and ultimately I wasn’t able to find a ready-made version of the spices, I had to Jerry-rig my own).

Sometimes a little flexibility and creativity are required to make it from A to B, and that alone can certainly require more effort.

So when we’re down in the trenches of our journey (or journeys, as rarely is someone only in pursuit of one end result at a given time), how do we maintain forward movement when so many things are out of our control, or somehow intervening?

I wish I knew the secret to sustained self-encouragement – sometimes mine can often be found in the dessert section (cupcakes and cookies, please) or in a solid Rock playlist (ACDC, Boston, Journey, etc.) – but I think what I’m finding is that, even though I may feel as though I’m traveling alone on the way to some end-goal, I am actually bringing those closest to me along for the ride (willingly, or not).

For instance, when I was severely injured a few years ago (more on that in the near future; re: aforementioned legal stuff), while I was acutely aware of my own feelings/perspective/to-do list, I was often less aware of that of my closest friends, mentors and family who adopted the situation into their lives as well. Those who were there for me in the hospital, helped me through recovery, and continually provide support while I deal with the aftermath. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that if not for that community of folks, I would not be where I am today. And I am so grateful to them all; so very, very, very grateful.

But life continues on, and my day to day is largely just me making decisions and moving forward as only I know how.

Some mornings it takes effort just to get out of bed and show up for life. Effort to put on clothing, concentrate on work, participate in dance class, be available to Dan, my friends and family, and just exist.

I’m not sure where I get the energy, because sometimes I am exhausted and this last stretch to the end appears to be as challenging as everything leading up to it. But I imagine reaching deep down inside my self, down to the quarks, electrons and protons that make up the atoms that make me a living being, and giving them a gentle nudge: “please don’t give up just yet; we just need to keep going for a little bit longer.”

And another thing I try to remember is that: it’s often not important that we only made an A- instead of an A+, what’s important is that we made it to the end; we completed our goal, our task. We lived another day, dreamed another dream, achieved another accomplishment, furthered another relationship.

Sometimes the most anyone can ask is just to keep moving…keep moving…