Vetting (and Exterminating) the Dragons
As I was driving home from therapy today, the DJ on my SiriusXM radio rephrased a quote she heard recently and the gist of it was: “when you fear something you should run towards it because there will be something even brighter on the other side.” And per the usual, this got me thinking…
What happens when you let those damaged, fragmented parts of yourself drop a veil over your vision?
I suppose it’s a slightly different perspective for each person, but for me, the veil acts like a shield.
Negative feedback comes in, positive feedback is kept out. Not just casually, but vigorously. Somehow my drawbridge was re-wired. I let it up for the fire breathing dragon or maniacal sorcerer, but send it down in front of Prince Charming and the kindly soothsayer from across the fiefdom.
And sadly, there comes a point in time when you let in one two many Trojan Horses and the internal cavity of your being becomes overrun by imposters.
And you can’t tell right from wrong. Or rather, you know what should be right and what should be wrong, but your knights of the roundtable aren’t convinced. They’ve been hoodwinked, but then again, they’ve let in the very influences and messages they should have kept out.
I’ll end the medieval metaphor here, but suffice it to say, I’m being bombarded by negativity right now, and I’m having a hard time letting in the positive (or believing the positive).
Here are the examples of negativity I’m dealing with:
– a personal injury lawsuit in which real human issues are arbitrary assigned a case file, some paperwork, some medical charts, a jury and a court date, and somehow come out the other side as a numerical value (a dollar value, specifically)
– a job where I analyze data and create reports on consumer trends but those trends are seen industry wide and reported to huge companies with bureaucratic decision makers who may, or may not, ever see my pin point-sized blip of informative feedback in the mass sea of research
– a bunch of graduate school rejection letters where I’m told that I can’t pass Go and collect $200 by way of that University’s car, but more importantly, that I can’t ask why because the sheer volume of people like me makes it nearly impossible to provide any feedback
And so the message I keep hearing: you’re not important. You’re just another case file, another researcher, another school candidate.
Now don’t get me wrong, I know that I am one of an enormous race of human beings, and I’m not trying to revolt against the “world order”, as it were. It’s just that, well, when I keep getting this message of being treated like one of millions, in particular when my life (and future years) are being assigned a numerical value, I feel like crap inside.
And as I said above, somewhere deep inside of me, I’m not convinced I truly am important. (This goes down to some of the things I talked about in my earlier post on self love, but also back to self-image issues I’ve had since I was a child.) I know that I should be important – I know that I’m strong as a person, as a female, and as a (fill in the blank) – but I don’t quite believe it. So recent events only serve to further my feelings of self smallness.
Furthermore, because I’m used to the idea that I’m unimportant, I let in continued evidence that supports that claim because I’m somehow willing to…it feels, more familiar, almost safe.
Because what if, I was suddenly important?
-I’d have to defend myself against these sources that say things to the contrary; and I don’t like conflict
-I’d have to readjust my self-image; and accept things that bother me (because remember, I want to be perfect)
-I’d have to actively, cognitively train myself to squelch the unimportant murmurs and heighten awareness of the important feedback; and that’s also hard
-I’d have to admit that being important means I might have to change in some (or many) ways – I might have to let go of the past, stop feeding my fears, and maybe don new behaviors
-I have to allow myself to feel what important feels like; self-love
But being important is, well, important.
And I don’t want to stay in this rut of ick.
So while I’m currently feeling overwhelmed and barraged by all the demons I’ve let into my courtyard, I’m going to start taking baby steps to reign in the evil. I can’t rid the world of it, but I don’t have to give it so much space in my life. And secondly, I’m going to start looking for the positivity, and allowing Prince Charming in – even to the messiest, darkest parts of the castle, because I can’t beat back the dragons on my own.