It started with a simple dirty sock…or two…
I put a load of laundry in the dryer and walked back to the apartment. I glanced up at one of my neighbor’s cars that reminds me of Dan’s car. I then remembered how happy Dan is when he dances, when we take a dance class together, like the Blues class we took together last week – so near that I could walk to it. And then I realized that I’m able to dance, and I’m able to walk, and I’m able to do lots of things.
And suddenly, I started to cry.
Because I finally allowed myself to feel proud of myself.
Proud of learning to walk again, proud of finishing my grad degree while in recovery, proud of leaving a relationship that pummeled my essence, proud of reestablishing myself as an independent adult, proud of learning and growing in a new line of work and professional inquiry, proud of finding and fostering a new relationship with someone wonderful, proud of maintaining the friendships and connections that help me thrive, proud of allowing myself to rediscover dance, art, and creative expression, proud of applying to grad schools even if I didn’t get in…
And so damn proud of myself for getting to this very moment – this point in time.
I sign the lawsuit settlement paperwork this week. And while doing so only precipitates a host of new decisions, at least now the decisions are on my terms.
Somehow, I made it. I did it.
Of course, I would not be where I am today but for the thoughtful, patient, helpful, loving, encouraging, and generous people in my life. My family, my wonderful partner and close friends, my mentors and colleagues, my lawyers, my doctors, my care givers and health providers. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am eternally grateful.
And more importantly, I finally, finally, let myself feel glad, and feel proud.
Oh, how good it is to let the feelings touch you; to let them inside.
This must be a kind of freedom; a personal self-realignment when you realize it’s okay to let in the light.
And I’m so glad to be here in this moment. The start of a new beginning.